Who holds the man after an abortion?

The woman was on the floor crying, revisiting the pain of the abortion. Within the constellation, the representative of her deceased grandmother came closer and said: “Your child is with me. She is loved and well cared for. You can let go of the regret and the guilt.”

What happened for the woman was beautiful; she felt lighter, more present to life, and relief came through.

The representative of her then-partner stood looking at her, in such severe pain that he could barely breathe.

Nobody seemed to notice...

Making the unseen visible

Recently I was at a family constellation workshop.

A family constellation is an experiential exercise in which people represent members of a family or relationship system. By observing what emerges between them, hidden patterns, feelings and tensions can be explored.

Whatever we believe about how constellations work, they can bring feelings and dynamics to the surface that might otherwise remain unseen.

It can be a beautiful and impactful way of revisiting painful situations, bringing hidden feelings to the surface and opening the possibility of healing.

So in that particular constellation, I felt what seemed to be the pain of the woman’s partner around the abortion. I sensed the guilt of having to make that decision, the doubt about whether it was right, and the inadequacy of not knowing how to support her in the way she needed most.

Having the grandmother’s representative speak only to the woman and not even granting me a look or a sign of compassion as the representative of her partner made my whole being collapse in that very moment.

Why was my pain not noticed?

Why did the grandmother not address me?

Why could I not even feel what I needed in that moment?

It made me wonder how many men would be in a similar situation.

Support for men

It made me raise this point at the end of the day when the question of "What is the main thing you take home today?" went around.

I shared the pain I was still carrying. It was partly what I had experienced while representing the man, but it also touched something deeply personal. I know what it is to carry the feelings of a father without having a living child to father. That part of my own story made his invisibility hit me even harder. I have written more about my own experience of being a childless father in a previous blog.

Where do we go for support?

Where do we get recognition as men?

How do we get to process the loss of a child? Although the abortion does not happen in his body, that does not mean he cannot experience loss, grief or conflict around it.

Men often receive little recognition or support, and may need more support than they themselves realise. We often get into our heads:

"I need to be strong to support my partner!" "I need to hold her in her pain." "Her body needs to heal and rest, and cope with the loss."

"I have to be there for her, 100%!"

Partly true, but who is holding him?

Who is seeing him and making room for his experience? Where can he go for aftercare and support?

I don’t believe men’s emotional experience of abortion gets the same recognition as women’s. Yet for some men, its impact can be significant.

Some men feel grief, some relief, some conflict, and others experience little emotional impact.

See him too

If someone in your circle has experienced an abortion, remember to check in with the man too. Ask him how he is doing. Let him know that you are available if he wants to talk, be held or cry.

It can make a real difference when he knows that his experience matters too, whatever he may be feeling.

Even when he says, "I am fine!", and you sense there may be more, ask gently: "Are you really?"

We do not always recognise or admit what we are feeling. We often get stuck on an old script of 'being a man':

Vulnerability is weakness.

We need to be strong!

I can handle this alone!

What about you?

Have you ever experienced an abortion, either yourself or with a partner?

What did it bring up for you?

Were you given space to process it, or did you feel you had to carry it alone?

And how are you with it now?

If something in this touches you, I am here if you want to talk.