You might not call it loneliness...

I read an article about the loneliness among men and its influence on the high suicide rate. In England and Wales, men account for roughly 75% of suicides.

It is shocking how many men feel lonely these days, and, on top of that, how hard it is for many of them to reach out. Loneliness is consistently identified as a major contributing factor in these suicides.

I reflected on this in the last two weeks and came to some remarkable insights.

I was thinking back about a post I wrote about brotherhood a little over three years ago. In that post, I touch on the fact that we sometimes take friendships for granted. I believe that is a significant contribution to the issue of loneliness among men. I will come back to that later.

What is loneliness?

Working with men, I began to see a pattern.

I started to see two types of loneliness. The first one is more obvious, more dramatic.

This is a man who lives a solitary life, but not because he wants to.

Many things can happen:

• They live alone.

• Children mature and leave the home.

• A long-term relationship has ended.

• Friends are moving away or having families and other obligations.

• A job has terminated after years of hard work.

• There is a pandemic with a long term isolation.

Men (especially those in their 40s and 50s) in that situation find it hard to reach out. For them, it is especially difficult to deal with this. Special days, like Christmas holidays, Valentine's Day, Birthdays, or special events, can be highly confrontational because they often make men feel like failures, unwanted, or powerless.

What men often experience here is long, silent nights, empty weekends, low energy, depression, and it often results in porn or alcohol addiction.

Picture yourself:

• Heating up leftovers at 9:30 pm.

• Watching your phone at midnight; no messages

• Reaching out for company on the weekend, but only get no's

• Watching Netflix until 3:00 am, with the volume slightly too high

• Walking in the supermarket, stocking up on ready-made meals

The feelings of shame, worthlessness, grief, and a lack of hope experienced are devastating when it comes to manifesting what you want in life. They often sabotage any initiative to make steps; go out, socialise, or treat themselves to what they really want or what their body really needs.

The lack of skin-on-skin connection, intimacy, and conversation drives them even further from themselves and from others. It's like a vortex one gets sucked into, and it often feels impossible to get out.

This is the type of loneliness often talked about.

It says: "I am alone!"

The quiet loneliness

The other type of loneliness is the quiet one, the invisible one, the devastating one.

This type of loneliness is functional, productive.

This is the man who:

• Has a partner

• Has colleagues

• May have children

• May have status

• May even host social events

  
  

But internally:

• He is not deeply known.

• He does not express his fear.

• He filters himself constantly.

• His partner carries the emotional load of the relationship.

• He has no male space where armour drops.

• He may feel alone in a pub full of people.

This is not a loneliness that says: "I am alone."

It is convinced: "I can handle it!"

The man hides himself in the role he needs to take, or throws himself into work, and might even be involved in many social activities.

This is the loneliness of men who function well in the world. Men who 'have it all together', but men who are constantly pushing through and do not realise it.

Ask yourself: What is the cost of being the strong one?

This type of loneliness is dangerous.

This is the one that leaks into:

• Irritability

• Work absorption

• Sexual compulsivity

• Porn use

• Low-grade resentment

• Emotional flatness

This is the father who disconnects from and escapes the family to make time for himself, the partner who avoids intimacy by shutting himself down, and the manager with a short fuse.

The main distinction

What is the difference between them?

Dramatic loneliness = lack of people.

Quiet loneliness = lack of depth.

Dramatic loneliness is circumstantial.

Quiet loneliness is relational and developmental.

One is solved by rebuilding your structure.

The other is solved by vulnerability and embodied connection.

Often, the quiet one turns into dramatic loneliness when it is not recognised. These men might lose their partner and then end up in isolation because the connections were already constantly avoided on a deeper level.

What happens during life?

This last sentence is interesting. What happens in a man's life to feel lonely while everything is functioning well?

Men are often raised by their fathers or by culture to compete, perform, and hide their feelings. This way, throughout their lives, they are already shaping their own disconnection from the world and themselves.

It is not really picked up because men are fully focused on becoming a good husband, employee, friend, and father, and are often rewarded for their efforts. They are working towards their career opportunities, and in their spare time, they enjoy the fruits of their work.

Often, men feel they need to do it alone. They have friends, but being with them is more like a distraction or a stress release, a way to take the focus away from all obligations. In life, men don't need others to manifest what they want in life (they think).

As I said before, we often take our friendships for granted. Men do not seem to invest as much in deeper connection or emotional depth in their relationships.

By avoiding vulnerability, asking for help, and having difficult conversations, men silently manifest a life in which they 'have to' do it all alone.

The irony is that this is actually a very successful manifestation. They are free! Free of people who hold them back, who make them withhold what they want to do, and best of all, they are independent.

But...

What is the price of independence?

What does it cost in the body?

What does it cost in partnership?

These men are lonely. A deep part of them is not met and is grieving.

Do you recognise yourself in one of these men?

If you do, do not analyse it for another six months. Interrupt it.

Call one friend.

Not to joke. Not to complain.

Tell him what is actually going on in you.

Ask him where he really is in his life.

Depth does not appear by accident. It is initiated.

If you are in a state of dramatic loneliness, rebuild structure.

Schedule connection. Do not wait to feel motivated.

If you are in quiet loneliness, slow down.

Notice the state of your body when you stop performing.

Is there tension? Numbness? Fatigue?

Let someone see that state.

Ask your partner to sit with you without fixing anything.

Or tell a male friend you want something more honest between you.

If that feels uncomfortable, that is probably the point!

And if you want a structured space for this, find a men’s group.

Not because you are broken, but because depth needs practice.

You do not have to carry this alone.

And if you want support in taking that first step, reach out to me.

I will meet you there.