Have you ever been seen?

Yesterday I sat on the train, and across from me was a father with his son. Looking at them had a profound impact; I noticed several emotions coursing through my body. Being curious, I tried to discern the kind of emotions I had and where they originated. There was sadness, but also excitement and joy. I could feel the longing of my inner boy to get this kind of attention. This stems from my relationship with my father.

What I saw before me was a father in his forties with his eight-ish-year-old son. But what I actually saw was his presence, curiosity, and availability he showed for the boy. They were going somewhere in the city of London, and the son was obviously really excited; he couldn't sit still and continuously looked around and outside, bombarding his dad with all kinds of questions. The dad seemed to really listen and answer all the questions with the utmost patience and accuracy. He seemed to really tune in to his son and was not only curious about the question but also about its origin and underlying emotion. The father was seeing his son, he was hearing his son, and his son felt that.

I saw the glimmer of satisfaction and pride in the father's eyes, the warmth emanating from his heart, and I saw how safe the boy felt being with his dad and opening up to him. That struck me the most, the safety for the boy to open up, to be curious, to be excited, and to look at the world as if everything he saw was new.

As I watched them, I wondered how many of us have ever truly felt seen in that way. I certainly can't remember that. It reminded me of what I had missed and what many of the men I work with have missed, and are still longing for.

The father's support is needed

Many of the men in my practice, including myself, have missed out on that kind of relationship with their fathers. They have missed a father who was present, who had their backs, and who could really see them and hear them. They didn't have the two hands of the father on their back and a voice telling them: "Go explore the world, I am here if it gets dangerous or if you fall!" This is most often not the fault of the father; they were probably in the same situation. They probably missed the similar support from their father. Nobody showed them how to be present and be with their emotions at the same time.

The further we go back in time, to more we see how emotionally absent the fathers have been for their children. And with children, I mean sons and daughters, although I am writing about the sons now.

The focus was on work and generating income. The responsibility of feeding the family and providing a roof over their heads was the man in the house, right? Any emotional issues with the kids were left to the mother to deal with.

If the father was never supported or held in his fear, grief, or anxiety, how could he do that for his son? The father then often had his own stuff to deal with all the time. All his energy probably went to dealing with his own issues and keeping his own back straight, as well as all the 'manning up' he needed to do.

So if our father never supported us, we are seemingly in the same situation. We need to find our own way to deal with our own stuff, figuring out 'how to be a man' and 'getting our own shit together'. We need all our attention and energy to support and hold our own inner boy with all his fears and struggles.

The world has changed

However, the world has changed. Unlike our fathers and grandfathers, we live in a time where emotional support is available to us. We can reach out for therapy, join men’s circles, or work with mentors, coaches, or therapists who help us find what was missing. We can even explore our ancestral line and connect with the healthy masculine energy that once lived there. We have the tools available to break the chain that has been passed down from father to son in our ancestral line.

Of course, this change isn’t easy. For many of us, it brings confusion, guilt, or even grief. We start to see what was missing, what we didn’t receive, and that can hurt. Some part of us still wishes it could have been different, that our father had been there, that someone had shown us how to do this.

But this awareness is also the beginning of freedom. Once we can feel the pain without turning away, we can choose something new. We can begin to offer ourselves, and those around us, the very presence we longed for.

At some point, each of us must decide to take responsibility, to stop waiting for the father who never came, and to become that presence ourselves. It is up to us to step out of the script that tells us we always need to be the strongest, that vulnerability is weakness, that we are the ultimate providers, and that we must perform well to justify our existence.

It is up to us to take the necessary steps to give our children the presence, safety, and attention they deserve. Being seen empowers them, making them thrive and feel self-confident. It gives them the life they are entitled to have.

As opposed to our ancestors, we have time and resources; we can acquire the tools to help us hold our inner child, to see and hear our own younger selves, to heal our own wounds, to give ourselves what we didn't receive as children, and to be there for our children, supporting and holding them.

It only needs you to reach out, to open up, and to dare to be vulnerable and own your flaws.

Our children have the right to be safe and to be held!

What's your mission here?

Take the time to be curious about yourself. How present are you for your children? How is the connection with your inner boy? Are you truly there for your friends, your partner, or your employees (and their inner children)? What keeps you from being more present?

What kind of support do you currently have? Or are you someone who tries to do everything on your own? What kind of support do you need to be more present?

Start looking for a men's circle, or consider one of the thousands of workshops available, perhaps even a workshop for you and your son together. Read a book by authors who write specifically for curious men (David Deida, Robert Bly, John Wineland, etc.). A first small step could even be admitting to yourself that you are struggling to be present.

It is about taking a step away from the script. The script, which is also passed from generation to generation. The script that states we should be strong enough, we should have our shit together, we should just go on and on.

Are you brave enough to let go of that script?