From being needed to self-respect

So many men live their lives from the little boy inside.

The one who learned early on to attune to his mother’s feelings. To satisfy those feelings. To care for her. To watch her moods. To keep her happy.

He did it because he loved her. Because her being okay meant he might be OK. And that strategy worked, well, sort of. So, he kept doing it.

But now, as a grown-up man, he’s still doing it.

In his relationships.

In his work.

In the way he carries himself as a man.

He’s living from the part of him that thinks:

“If I take care of her needs, maybe I’ll be loved.”

“If I stay small and safe, maybe I won’t be rejected.”

And what happens? He disappears. He forgets himself. He makes his needs unimportant. And ends up resentful, frustrated, burnt out, and angry at the world. “She’s crossing my boundaries,” he says. However, the truth is that he never set any.

Needing is loving

At the core of this is a deep belief: If she needs me, I’ll be loved. But love that comes from being needed is never love. It’s a transaction.

It’s time to give it back. Not with blame, not with drama, but with clarity, love, and care.

The shame we took on from our mothers, we give it back.

The emotional weight we carried for others, we drop it.

Even though we held it out of (the need for) love, it was never ours to hold.

This is your work: To move into radical self-holding.

To know your needs.

To find your no (and yes).

To tend to the boy inside you.

To stand up for the man you’ve become.

When you do, you’ll begin to attract people who don’t need you; they see you.

Those who don’t rely on you to regulate their pain want to meet you, heart to heart.

This is where it gets uncomfortable. Because if I’m not needed, then who am I? Where’s my purpose, if it’s not in fixing, helping, being the strong one?

It’s time to untangle that double bind. Love and need are not the same thing.

When we experience this double bind, love and need utilize the same neurological pathway in our brain. We need to create a new path for both of these feelings, separate from each other. How can I love and care for you without abandoning myself?

Because caring for others while leaving yourself behind will always, ALWAYS, end in resentment.

The fear says:

“If I set a boundary, she’ll go.”

“If I say no, I’ll be rejected.”

“If I stop saving her, I’ll be alone.”

But there’s another way.

When you learn to meet your inner boy, to love him, hold him, and speak to him, you no longer need a partner to do that for you.

You stop radiating that need. You stop chasing purpose through pain. You stop performing to be loved.

You become available for a real connection. You become a man in a relationship, not a boy looking for a mother.

That’s when you’re ready for love. Not as a transaction. Not as a role to play. But as a man who knows who he is and respects himself.

So the question is:

Do you respect yourself?