It’s an evening in August 2017. The space is warm, the light is dim, and matrasses are positioned in a circle and form a star, within the middle, a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers. The smell of the lavender fills the room, where Lynn invites me and the others to lay down and surrender to the beautiful music… My body relaxes, and I feel the excitement. I don’t know yet that my experience tonight will forever change my life…
Leaving him in the closet
As a child, I used to be a very sensitive boy. Cute, freckles, playful, and absolutely loving my life. I could feel the joy in everything it gave me. Being outside, I would see the colors of the world. I always enjoyed the elements, the cold rain, the warmth of the glowing sun, or the breeze gently touching my skin. I recognized the smells of everything in my vicinity, the sweetness of the roses in our front garden or the freshly baked bread in the corner bakery. I was the most curious boy; if I was with people, I could flawlessly feel what they needed… I had everything I desired; two parents, clothes, toys, a beautiful home, three holidays a year, and a good school. Despite that, I felt something was missing, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.
What I never realized was that my parents were unhappy. However, when I was ten years old, the constant tension in the house caused me to hide a lot in my safe space at the end of the little storage in the attic. I made that my secret home within our home. Pillows, a light, some books, and even a little painting on the wall of a landscape far away. This was the place where I felt happy and safe, where I could be myself, where I felt love and abundance, at least, I thought so. I sometimes felt so lonely, but I did not know any different...
Slowly, I learned how to disconnect from my body when I found myself outside that closet. The boy felt panicked and overwhelmed being outside like he was on a fairground full of strange people, loud music, and lights from every corner. He did not want to play outside anymore. We separated; I stopped playing when I was 12. Basically, I left the little boy in the closet, and over time I forgot all about him…
That night I felt like playing
Going back to that night in 2017. I find myself with others on a mattress listening to soft but intensely serene music. The slow electronic music takes my body, and I feel like floating on a cloud. The mysterious tune of the cello makes every cell of my body vibrate. Lynn’s voice sounds calm from the speaker close to me. Her invitation to surrender comes as a gift and takes my body to a state of pure silence. Slowly, I seem to slide away into another realm. So welcoming, so quiet…
The tempo of the music increases slowly. The movements we make causes the energy in my body to build up. I start to feel more and more alive. With my eyes closed, I imagine myself walking on a meadow, my hands touching the tops of the wildflowers around me. I enjoy the tickling in the palms of my hands while listening to the soft buzzing of the bees.
I remember. This is what I did when I was a boy. I start to connect to my inner child. It is like he opens the closet door and takes a peak outside. He is alert but curious. He recognizes the joy and aliveness he once felt. He wants to come out and play but is still cautious.
Time becomes irrelevant. My inner boy and I must have breathed for an hour like this when Lynn invited us to slow down. This seemed to move the energy from my lower tummy to other parts of my body.
My body trembles and I feel a comforting buzz in my legs and arms. I never felt so alive, free, and loving towards myself. The moment I open my eyes, the number of details I perceive is slightly overwhelming. This must be why people take drugs. But I didn’t. I just breathed like I did millions of times before…
I get up and leave the room. Outside in the summer night, I only want one thing. I want to play with little Dirk! I want to show him what the world is like outside the closet. How fresh the grass smells, and how it feels to walk and dance barefoot.
I am so blown away by how breathing and moving brought me back to my inner boy. How something so simple gently encouraged my little boy out of the closet after 37 years. How it set him free! How it set me free to feel and play! I then realize that this is what I want other men to experience so that they can feel what they need and express those feelings. So that they can play!
For the first time in my life, I was able to sleep soundly that night.
Marry the masculine and feminine
Two weeks later, I started the professional training course in Core Energetics. I am really enjoying the first day. This is right for me. My body feels like being in that meadow, completely at ease.
This will help me in my work. I want to marry the masculine and the feminine qualities in people. I want people to embrace both sides so that marriage can give birth to heartfelt leadership, personally, politically, or in business. I want to give people (especially men) the experience I had. To help them connect to their inner boy in the closet, drop their fears, and come out and play.